I have often compared myself to Geordie of TNG because of chronic headaches brought on by my VISOR, but it seems of late that I have actually become Scotty from TOS. Remember the TNG episode Relics where Scotty is frozen inside the transporter and the Enterprise D crew revive him and he and Geordie hang out? Of course you do. At one point Scotty is advising Geordie on how to give feedback to one’s captain. He says to always exaggerate how long it will take to fix a problem, that way when he fixes it much quicker than projected he seems like a miracle worker. Geordie is of course disgusted by this advice and believes that honesty is the best policy. I tend to agree and yet somehow at my job, without even really meaning to I have started to utilize this system of exaggeration.

I swear this is not deliberate. It’s just that my coworkers are constantly asking me to do things for them, in large part because I am the only one who has a solid grasp of our database. This is to be expected, since I have several years of experience with the system and most of these chucks don’t. I will spare you a rant on how they should all pull up their bootstraps and learn the frakking system if they intend to stay employed much longer since I’m pretty sure some of my coworkers may read this site from time to time. I will also admit that what may seem like a simple thing to learn for me, as a computer-oriented person could be quite daunting for people-oriented people, of which all my coworkers are, which is to be expected since we work in the bleeding-heart, non-profit sector. This of course leads to another digression wherein we all wonder why I stay in a job where the goal is to help sick people (I work at a hospital foundation) since my personal ethics lean towards… not helping people, sick or not.

Anyway, as I was saying, at work I am constantly (and I really do mean constantly. I’ve always hated telephones but now I’m starting to despise email as well) being asked to produce a query, a report, a mail merge or whatever else. Often times if the request is simple enough I will do it immediately but since the requests are incessant, my to-do list grows ever longer. Usually I will take note of the request and tell the coworker when they can expect it to be delivered. And so because of the sheer volume and constancy of the requests, I find myself giving coworkers ever longer timetables through which they must wait. But then I find myself intrigued by the challenge of producing whatever was requested and I put aside my more tedious reguarly scheduled work and make the report faster than I originally meant to. And since there is an extra computer in the office, I will often work on two computers, running back and forth between them checking on the progress of the reports which often take a long time for our shitty comps to run. And then I deliver the report way ahead of schedule and the coworker is delighted and impressed. Hence I am Scotty.

You may have noticed that I admitted to often putting aside my regular tasks in favour of more interesting daily challenges. There are certain tasks that I must perform on a regular basis that are so boring, so utterly aggravatingly unfun that I often put them off. Now this is not the type of procrastination everyone employs during University, where essays that were assigned with a month to spare are written in a five-hour block the night before the deadline, but maybe instead of doing something on Thursday, I’ll do it on Friday. And maybe instead of doing it twice a week I’ll only do it once. And you know what, coworkers (or bosses) who may be reading this? SUCK IT! Because if you had any fucking clue what goes into processing tribute donations you would probably hang yourself with the nearest rope! Seriously! It is so goram complicated that I’m sure the average Joe could master teleportation before mastering tributes. And no one I have come across can do it as well as I can. I am not being conceited or arrogant, I am being honest and bitter. This shit is complex, y’all and I can’t even take a fucking vacation because if I leave the sky will fall and no one will get their stupid notifications because no one else in data processing can compose a fucking gramatically correct sentence in the English language, she said ironically within her run-on sentence.

And now this rant will digress into a condemnation of all temporary workers! I hate them all!!!! Fuck you JAG, for going on parental leave and saddling me with a two-person job, with nothing more than a useless temp to fill your shoes! Temps cannot do anything! I’d be shocked if they even knew how to tie their shoes properly! I’ve already had to fire two temps for their incompetence (ok, well, one imcompetent and one full of attitute coupled with some incompetence brought on by arrogance) and now I’m on the verge of firing temp #3 for his laziness, poor work ethic and inability to remember anything I tell him despite my insistance that he take notes. Seriously people, when I speak, you should be writting shit down! I do not talk to hear my own voice. I talk to tell you that you are doing everything wrong and here is how to do it right, do you think you will remember that? Might want to take a note!!!!!!!

Holy shit, what was originally meant to be an amusing Star Trek anecdote that might devolve into a denouncement of the sure to be shit upcoming Trek prequel (my seething hatred for Kirk may even outdo my hatred for temps) has turned into an all out work-rant. Oh my god, I’ve had a burnout and I need to quit my job.