I hate ugly shoes. Allow me to elaborate. I know it’s 35 degrees out with the humidex but unless you are about to take a shower in a campground, walk on the beach or wade in a lake, you should not be wearing flip-flops. Those things are fug. And they make annoying flippety-floppity noises. And it’s totally been proven by medical science that they’re bad for your feet because they make you scrunch up your toes so as to not lose the shoes while you walk. Take those fuckers off and get a proper pair of sandals! If you are a woman with well manicured toenails and don’t have errant hairs sticking out of your big toe then you may wear sandals. Not Birkenstocks though. No, not even if you’re a hippy or a lesbian. Just don’t do it. Why? ‘Cause they be fug.

 But if you’re a man then sandals are not for you ‘cause mandals should not be. They are fug. Man toes do not need to be exposed to the general population. I don’t want to see your foot fungus, or your sasquatch levels of hairiness. Invest in some socks and sneakers. But holy shit, don’t wear socks with your mandals!!! That is just so wrong. What are you, 80? Are you yelling at kids to get off your lawn? Do you live in Florida? Do you go to bed at 5pm? No? Then why have you chosen to combine shoes that are designed to be worn sockless with socks? Are you also wearing a fanny pack? Probably, because you are clearly a clueless dillhole who is so severely lacking in sense of style that you believe a fanny pack is an acceptable device in which to carry your keys, ‘cause apparently you haven’t hear of messenger bags! Unless you are running the Amazing Race then you shouldn’t be wearing a fanny pack ‘cause that shit ain’t right! In what universe is it more comfortable to carry stuff around your waist than across your shoulders? Whew! Forgive the digression. Back to mandals. Don’t wear them. Exceptions can be made if they are stylish and worn by a seriously hot metrosexual guy who has his feet properly groomed. But only if it’s over 30 degrees. Let’s wear clothing that is seasonally appropriate, mmmkay?

 Alright, listen, I know you’re only four-years-old and you don’t dress yourself and your feet will grow out of your current shoes in about two days but that is no excuse to wear Crocs. Those things are fug on anyone, at any age. They are basically clogs, except made of plastic. Clogs are bad enough to begin with, but at least if they are authentically wooden you can go around pretending to be Dutch or something but plastic shoes should never be. A sturdy rubber sole is all good but the entire shoe being made of plastic?!?! The hell? Who invented this and why are they torturing me? Apparently nurses and others who work on their feet all day like to wear crocs because they’re comfortable and mold to your feet and whatever, whatever, but for god’s sake invest in some stylish sneakers or something, there is no need to run around in a sabot full of ventilation holes that are necessary because plastic makes your feet sweat and then you are stinky and gross and no one will ever suck your toes mid-coitus unless they have a stinky-foot fetish and trust me, you want to have your toes sucked mid-coitus. Trust me. Seriously. Trust. 

 Uggs. There, I said it. It’s in the name! They know they’re ugly! Look at how hip you are, wearing super expensive boots that are meant to be worn barefoot! Eww! Gross! Don’t take those things off in my house and walk around with your feet exposed! It’s winter you fucknugget! Put on socks! And don’t keep your Uggs on either, all covered in slush, you tardsprocket! Oh, you got the Zellers cheap version of Uggs?  I guess that makes you smarter than the moron who shelled out hundreds to look homeless. Yes, yes, I know they are warm and comfortable. Yes, I know they’re still, still, for some reason, all the rage with the kids today. I don’t care. You look bad! You are fug.

 If you are a criminal and your job involves running for your life on a regular basis, or if you are currently working out at the gym, or jogging down the street or playing a sport or what have you, then yes, by all means wear athletic shoes. Wear the shoes that are designed to enhance your sporty experience. But if you are not in one of those situations? Do not wear running shoes! I mean, cute sporty shoes like Keds, or Converse, or Pumas or any kind of cool skater shoes are all good, yo, ‘cause they be stylin’ and I certainly hold much affection for my Adidas that are oh so comfy for long walks and oh so pretty what with their attractive stripes and their purple hue (my current love of the colour purple is totally authentic and not at all driven by the purple craze of the current fashion scene *cough*). But if you are just out and about in the world doing your thing then why are you wearing shoes with all sorts of crazy crap like little pumps or springs on them, and yards of laces, bright white like you’re trying to be seen from space? Why are you wearing shoes that are designed to make you jump/run/kick bigger, stronger, faster? You look bad, like someone’s dad or something. You are not jumping/running/kicking bigger, stronger or faster, you are just loading groceries into your mini-van. Wow, I guess that was a big strain for you, eh? Quite the workout there. Good thing you had those Nikes on. You might have sprained something otherwise. Fucktard.

 Lord knows I loves me a nice heel. Shit for your back and requiring conscious effort to walk in, high heels are designed to enhance the womanly figure. (Men have worn heels at various points in history, which makes sense ‘cause fashion is often about exaggerating natural sexual traits and height is attractive on men). So I’ll totally wear a heel ‘cause they make my bod look slammin’ and the truth of the matter is, in the corporate world, for women heels are seen as more professional than flats (I shall spare you a rant on the anti-feminist implications therein). But we’re talking about relatively practical heels.  A couple of inches, tops. Stilettos are tough to walk in and if you’ve mastered the skill, then more power to you, but I’ll stick to a heel with a wider base thanks very much. Still, I’ll admire those 4-inch stilletos you’re rocking if you are indeed rocking them. But if you have not figured out how to walk in heels then leave them in your closet. If you are teetering or walking like a horse, lifting each leg off the ground with such precision that you appear to be auditioning for ANTM, then practice at home and get back to me at a later date. Also, stripper heels? No. There was a time in the last decade when platforms were the shit and we all wore stripper heels in real life like the deluded late ‘90s morons we were but that time has fortunately passed… or has it?  Have you noticed that platforms are back?  Not quite to the extent we were subjected to in 1996, but still.  I don’t like the look but will allow it as long as it doesn’t creep into stripper territory.  I feel that if your shoes have a platform higher than an inch then you need to find that pole and work it.  And if your shoes are made of Lucite, you need to find that lap and grind it. If your shoes are so heavy that they will not stay on your feet unless they are strapped on with the intensity of a burn victim’s bandages, then you need to bend over and let me push this American dollar bill down your g-string. Some things are contextual. Stripper heels will break your back but if you’re on the job, then you gotta rock the appropriate footwear. A construction worker wears construction boots. A stripper wears stripper shoes. Not a stripper? Don’t wear them.

 And all of that having been said, don’t go too far in the other direction either. I already mentioned an affection for relatively practical heels but let’s face it: practical heel is an oxymoron. If your shoe looks orthopedic then why in good gosh gracious is there a heel on it? A massively chunky heel and full foot coverage will allow you to walk without spraining an ankle, but you look like an 80-year-old on her way to bingo. So don’t wear grandma heels, ‘cause they’re just kind of ridiculous. If you want to look workplace appropriate yet still go home without sore feet then just invest in a cute pair of flats, ‘cause they are totally in style right now, and all you need to do is hem your pants a bit.  I mean grandma shoes can be done right, but if you don’t have an eye for that sort of thing, then yeah, maybe just go to Payless and get some generic flats ’cause you probably also don’t have an eye for the kind of shirt-dress that goes with grandma shoes and you’ll just show up wearing Janeane Garofalo’s wardrobe from Reality Bites, which was completely awesome at the time, but that time was 1994.

 A few years back there was this trend going around that involved the ugliest fucking little slip-on ballet flats that were made of mesh and embroidered with all kinds of crazy crap like sequins and flowers and shit. God I hated those fucking devil shoes! Soooo incredibly fug!!!! I’m so glad the trend died in one season. But clearly they traumatized me for life if I feel the need to include them in this list, a full 3 years after the trend died. So if you’ve got these fuckers stowed away in your closet somewhere, please do the world a favour and discard them. They made you look like a grade schooler on meth.

 You know what though?  I gotta give props to the crazy kids among us who just don’t give a fig.  To the peeps who run out to the depanneur wearing slippers and a robe, I salute you.  After all, who hasn’t gone grocery shopping in their pajamas?  So fuck it all.  Wear your Crocks ’cause they’re comfy, wear your Uggs ’cause they’re warm and wear your stripper heels ’cause they make you feel hot.  And yeah, athletic shoes are practical and healthy so sure, fine, get a sensible bob and be a soccer mom.  Just please, no socks and sandals.  That one I really mean.  Which is why I will punch you in the face if I see you wearing socks and sandals and you will deserve it and thank me for it because I have so clearly outlined Why I Am Better Than You.