I am now on the third day of the third week of this stupid-ass diet.  It’s not working.  Remember those 2 lbs I lost?  I gained them back.  The loss was probably just a fluke, like water weight or something.  This diet is doing absolutely nothing to my body, or rather it’s doing nothing to my physical appearance.  This shouldn’t be surprising and in a way it’s good news.  It means when I’m done with this stupid crap I can go back to eating jellybeans and poutine everyday. 

The fact is I’ve been down this road before, but I never really thought about it until now.  A few years ago I went from couch potato to working out several times a week and I did in fact lose about 10 lbs.  But throughout my life no matter what I’ve eaten it hasn’t made a difference.  A couple years ago my bf at the time went on a diet that is actually fairly similar to the slow-carb agony diet and since he was the cook in the house I also went on the diet just out of convenience.  He lost a lot of weight in very little time while I stayed exactly the same.  And remember when I went on that cruise last April?  Of course you don’t, you haven’t memorized my life.  But I remember that I ate a shitload of shit everyday just because that’s all there was to do and while the current bf gained 9 lbs I stayed the same. 

The difference now, with this 4-hour body bullshit is that neither one of us is losing weight, or redistributing weight or anything.  But changes are happening, oh yes, they are happening, and they all suck.  Last week I boasted that I was not experiencing the digestive difficulties my bf was going through.  Well, turns out that misery was just delayed.  I feel like, how you say?… le shit. 

Imagine if you will, a freaky combination of constipation and diarrhea.  Cold sweats and hot flashes.  Sharp aches and dull pains.  Throw in some globs of blood and it sounds like menstruation, right?  Well that’s ’cause that’s exactly what it is!  Except I’m on the fucking bc pill!  When not medicated for hormone control I go through debilitating misery once a month, so I take the pill not to prevent mini-mes but to prevent suicide.  But hey, guess what?  Turns out this diet fucks with your hormones (which Ferriss touts like it’s a good thing) to the point where it cancelled out the fucking estrogen and progestrin!  WTF?!?!  And it also increased blood flow and made my period come earlier and last longer.  Are you fucking kidding me?!  I pay good money my insurance pays good money so I don’t have to go through that shit!  Also, bonus fun times: the bf and I are currently in competition to see who can stink up the place worse with the most noxious emissions this side of a toxic waste dump. 

I just… I just don’t know.  Should I keep going?  Maybe if I power through everything will level out.  Maybe my body just needs time to adjust to the differences.  Or maybe I’m not doing it properly.  Ferriss lists some common mistakes, like not drinking enough water, or not eating enough protein, or snacking on too many nuts, or not sacrificing enough squirrels to the gods of Haha! made you buy my book, LOSER!

Well played Ferriss, well played indeed.