I gave up on that crazy Tim Ferriss diet a while ago but the boyfriend kept at it a while longer.  Actually, he switched things up and tried a different diet and exercise regime in the book; a regime to build mass because he’s trying to *clap* pump you up.  Wow, I’ve really shown my age with that reference, haven’t I?  You don’t even know what I’m on about, do you?

Ok, anyway, this new program basically involves eating a truck-ton of food and doing very few but very intense workouts.  He’s been eating non-stop, to the point where food isn’t even fun anymore.  At first he tried to be strict about it, eating lots of high protein but healthy food but eventually he turned to eating anything and everything just to keep his calorie count up at the required levels. For workouts he’s been doing the maximum weights and reps possible, every 5 days or so, as the book indicates.

Well it’s all bullshit.  The book claims that this will allow a person to build incredible mass and that just hasn’t been the case for the bf, which is in itself interesting.  We took diligent stats, taking his weight, measurements and photographs at the start of this experiment two months ago.  Yesterday we took all that info again and NOTHING.  The number on the scale is somewhat higher but his measurements are the same and I can’t even tell which photos are “before” and which are “after”.  It’s actually kind of fascinating to ponder where the hell all those calories went.

Much as I surmised with my own diet experience I imagine this regime would work wonders for someone starting at zero.  If one is overweight then surely a diet will produce results.  And if someone is underweight then eating a ton and then working out will build muscle.  But the boyfriend was already in good shape and was just trying to get even beefier.  The book claims this program will achieve these aims but this hasn’t been the case at all.  Again, it’s sort of interesting to see that no matter how much he eats and how hard he works out he gains neither fat nor muscle in significant amounts.  He supposes that he’s stronger now, in the sense that he’s increased the weight he can bench but the point is not to be able to carry around a house, it’s to fly look like Superman.

Looking through the photos of Ferriss on his blog and in his book we see that he isn’t exactly getting great results either.  He acts like he’s a golden god, but if you look at him you see that he’s wiry but not beefy.  He’s got abs but that’s about it.  He goes on and on about how awesome abs are, forgetting that to be the masculine ideal he’ll also need pecs and shoulders and biceps.  In my totally unbiased opinion the bf looks better than Ferriss does but he also looks exactly the same as he did before he opened Ferriss’ stupid book. 

Bf has decided to keep going until he’s completed the program, mostly because you can’t truly discount something until you’ve seen it through.  But I bet you he’ll go back to his regularly scheduled programming after this is all done.  Or knowing him he’ll find some new book or website that will advise him to do some other crazy shit and I’ll have to endure whatever the hell this newest craze will be.  *sigh*

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So I finally finished the 4 weeks on the slow-carb diet, just like I promised myself I would.  I cheated a couple of times, but nothing major.  In the end, even though I mostly hated everything about this experiment, I’m still glad I went through it because it’s always a good idea to test oneself.  I think it was interesting to look at what I eat critically and think about what changes I want to make.

I discovered that I eat a lot of junk that I don’t even crave… wait, let me rephrase that.  I never really ate that much junk.  I always had this perception of myself as someone who eats “bad” food because I indulge in a daily treat but comparing myself to the way a lot of other people eat I think I was actually doing ok.  We won’t speak about my childhood eating habits when I was a picky eater in a household where the typical offerings were stew, or meat and potatoes and then some more stew, so I supplemented with rockets, or my starving college student days when ramen and cookies from the dollar store was a meal.  Since I’ve been an employed adult I’ve eaten fairly well.  I always joke that my favourite meal is poutine, but it’s actually spinach and bean salad.  I eat vegetables every day and have never been into foods that are often pitfalls for others, like pasta or red meat. 

I thought I was naughty because occasionally I would pollish off an entire bag of chips, or eat ice cream every night during August.  But when I watch those shows about overweight people battling the bulge it is always a wake up call to how relatively healthy my eating habits are.  Sometimes it is shocking to see what other people consume.  But judging oneself relative to Americans is not fair, one should judge oneself according to what is appropriate for one’s age, sex and energy output.  But appropriate according to who?

I think Canada’s Food Guide is kind of a scam.  You’ll notice that the bottom of the food pyramid is for bread products, which are forbidden on the slow-carb diet.  The Canadian government pushes wheat and grain products as though they somehow have something to gain from such products being sold… oh wait, that’s exactly the case.  One of Canada’s main exports/products is wheat.  Of couse they push that shit like they’re a dealer pushing meth!  They’re trying to sustain the economy!  Same goes for milk products.  The Canadian government does not want us to give up on cows!  Why?  Because Canada is full of dairy farms and there would surely be economic collapse if we all decided to ban milk and cheese.  So the food guide makes a lot more sense when you think about it in financial terms rather than nutritional ones. 

All of that having been said, I’m happy that I’m done with this diet because I can now reintegrate dairy and wheat into my life.  But as previously stated, I’m glad I went through the slow-rage diet because it taught me what foods I really enjoy and which ones I eat only out of habit.

Milk: I really like skim milk.  Yes, I prefer skim over 2%. On the diet I could have a bit of cream but no milk.  Screw that shit.  I’m going back to milk.  I won’t chug it like it’s sody pop but a splash in my nightly tea is quite welcome.

Cheese: Ahh, my old friend, I’m so sorry I abandoned you for so long.  Actually I could never completely give up cheese.  I cheated a few times and threw a bit of cheddar on my chilly and some feta on my salads but overall I cut back my cheese intake by a ton.  Well no more!  Actually this is one of those interesting things the diet forced me to realize: I probably do eat too much cheese.  It really has no redeeming nutritional features beyond a bit of calcium and protein, which I can get in higher quantities elsewhere.  In fact, the diet forced me to discover cottage cheese, which is the only cheese sanctioned by the diet.  Cottage cheese is in no way as tasty as other cheeses but I think in the future I’ll examine my cheese choices much more closely rather than just blindly scarfing down an entire wheel of brie just because it’s there.

White carbs: Interesingly I did not miss any of these products.  Didn’t miss bread, didn’t miss pasta, didn’t miss rice, didn’t even miss potatoes, which I’ve always thought of as a favourite food.  But now that the diet is over I won’t avoid them like the plague either.  At one point in the diet I was given a free lunch and part of it contained pasta salad.  I actually threw that part out.  Yeah! I know, right?!?!  I couldn’t believe it either.  I seriously threw perfectly good food into the garbage.  In the future I won’t be so wasteful.  If I eat out and my meal comes with rice or potatoes or whatever, I will eat it, but I don’t think I’ll buy that stuff for home anymore.  It was actually quite fascinating to see that I had absolutely no cravings for white carbs, so I might as well stop eating them.  That having been said, chilly is better with garlic bread, and peanut butter is better on toast (as opposed to celery) so maybe I’ll buy a loaf of bread and freeze it, only taking out slices when I want them.

Sugar:  SUGAR!!!!  The bf jokes that I’m a cookie addict but I didn’t miss cookies.  I missed licorice.  Interestingly I’ve never considered myself to be all that into chocolate, but on my sanctioned cheat days I always had a chocolate bar (or two).  Also, jelly beans.  I don’t know what sort of magical fairy queen invented jelly bellys but dude, that shit is delicious!  OMG, my mouth is watering just writing about it.  So yes, sugar will come back.  But no, I won’t eat a fuck ton everyday, which I never really did to begin with.  In fact, for years I’ve abstained from certain sources of sugar that alot of people don’t even think about, such as soda and certain dressings.  And I’ve  never been into coffee, thus I’ve avoided the whole Starbucks super latte mega frappe kill your children grande trend. 

Fruit: The reason fruit was banned from the diet is because of its sugar content.  Even natural sugar is apparently bad.  Again, it was interesting to note that I did not miss fruit one bit.  But I think I will reintegrate fruits because they have a lot of benefits that Ferriss poopoos, such as fiber and vitamins.  Yeah, you can get those from vegetables but variety is the spice of life and even though I love  leafy greens sometimes you need to take a break from someone something to remind yourself why you like it.

Protein:  Something else I’ve taken away from the diet is that I need to eat more protein.  As mentioned, I’m not a big meat eater, never have been.  I can’t even count the number of times people have asked me if I’m vegetarian.  The answer is always a quizzical no.  I DO eat meat, just not in quantities that others apparently find suitable.  It was very much a struggle for me to eat as much meat as was required on this diet.  In fact, I failed on that front and compensated with more beans and protein powder.  From now on I think I’ll try to strike a better balance.  I won’t force feed myself meat, but I’ll also try to keep my protein intake high.  Having a protein rich breakfast actually does keep me satisfied until lunch, whereas pre-diet I always snacked on something mid-morning or else endured hunger pains.  Same thing with a high protein lunch.  It keeps one satiated until dinner, negating the need for sugary or fatty snacks.  But I think I’ll chill out on supper.  During the diet I ate super heavy meals in an attempt to keep myself from snacking and sometimes I snacked even when I wasn’t hungry just because I find it very psychologically satisfying to do so in the evening.  From now on I think I’ll go back to my pre-diet days of having a good dinner that keeps me full only until I’m ready to indulge in a nightly snack.  I just really enjoy that snack and see no reason to deny myself, because even with my snacks I think I’m pretty healthy.  I might as well eat whatever I want because for me, eating “whatever I want” is not akin to Fatty McJumbotron eating “whatever he wants”.  For me eating whatever I want means a nice salad, followed two hours later by a couple cookies and a glass of skim milk. 

And what about the exercises I’ve been doing on this diet?  They’re cool.  I found that I can do shorter exercise routines than I was used to and still maintain the same muscle mass.  Actually, I exercised more than the book suggested just for the fun of it.  I enjoy cardio machines so might as well use them even though Ferriss doesn’t deem them necessary.  I also do a fair amount of exercise in my daily life because I don’t own a car.  So now that the experiment is over I think I’ll keep on doing the exercises Ferriss recommends and also keep on doing the stuff I like doing. 

Over these four weeks my weight has dropped by maybe like, 2 lbs.  My measurements have stayed the same, which is to say they have always gone up and down by an inch or so depending on the time of day/week/month so whatevs. 

My conclusion is that this diet/exercise program has had no effect on me physically but it has had a psychological and emotional effect.  I don’t know if it’s had a nutritional effect since I didn’t do pre and post blood work but just going by intuition I think I was healthy before and am still healthy and will continue to be healthy. 

Wow, this is a very self-congratulatory post isn’t it?  Truly, I am awesome and you should all strive to be more like me.  Forget Tim Ferriss.  I’ve got my own diet/exercise plan: 

The Nique diet:  Do whatever the fuck you want and be happy about it.  Yay!

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I’m in the home stretch now.  Fourth week on the slow carb diet.  Yesterday was hell.  I was in extreme abdominal pain all afternoon and I felt like so many shades of shit by supper time that I didn’t even want to hear the word chilly, which I’d previously decided would be my dinner.  All I wanted was bread or oatmeal or something.  So I had popcorn because I figured hey, at least corn is a vegetable, but also starchy so it’ll coat my aggravated intestines.  And then I had some candy ’cause I figured, hey, sugar is yum-yum.  Today I weighed myself and I’ve now concluded that the secret to weight loss is popcorn and candy ’cause I’m down to 126 lbs.  Or maybe the secret to weight loss is (TMI alert) explosive diarrhea.  But it’s probably the popcorn.  And the candy.  Sweet, sweet black licorice deliciousness.

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