I HATE VIDEOTRON!!!!!  DIE VIDEOTRON, DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

Hells to the yes.  What an excellent movie.  All the dialogue was workshopped and improvised and it really shows, in a decidedly good way.  Never in my life have I seen a movie that was so naturalistic and believable in terms of character interaction.  Which is all the more amusing because the premise is a little out there. 

 One dude is married and his old, single, college pal breezes into town.  They hang out one night and while discussing a local pornography film festival they decide that they should make a porn movie starring themselves.  Two straight men having sex on film… with each other.  Hilarity ensues.  But don’t expect the Apatow bullshit treatment.  What follows is thoughtful, remarkable and amusing while never becoming ridiculous.  It’s also a little bit sad because the characters are forced to question their motivations for their entire existences and sometimes introspection reveals a shaky sense of self.

 I found this film to be highly thought provoking.  The dudes are ostensibly making this porn movie as an art project and at one point they stop and ask themselves why this is art.  That it IS art is never questioned, but they aren’t sure why it is art.  I wondered about that too and to me the answer is obvious and compelling.  But perhaps I will rant about that in a further post.  For now just rent this movie and revel in the completely awesome dialogue and representations of genuine friendships.

 [rating:45] 4 ½ niqueheads but only because if I gave it 5 that would be too much hype and then you’d see it and be disappointed and wonder why I loved it so much.

Look, I realize you are a big, strong man and you are seven feet tall and you need the leg room and you just gotta let your junk breathe and so you’re spreading your legs, but guess what?  I’m on/in the bus/waiting room/movie theatre too.  I also have legs that require some space.  The difference between you and me is that I take the appropriate amount of space.  I don’t care that you’re taller than me.  That is no excuse to use up more than your allotted area.  Keep your knees together!  No one needs to see your crotch anyways!  No, your balls are not so big and important that they need to be aired out in public!  Stop trying to reach both edges of the room simultaneously!  And no, it’s not ok to cross one foot over the other knee.  This move still allows your legs to take up way too much room!  And I swear to fucking god, if you cross your legs and your foot accidentally kicks my leg I will rain wrathful fury down upon you.  You have just sullied my pants/skirt/stockings with the sole of your fucking shoe!  Soles are meant to be on the ground, not dangling in the air, motherfucker!  You see, my skin is never oily and my legs don’t sweat, ever, unless I’m engaged in vigorous activity, and I don’t usually wear clothes while enjoying vigorous activity so guess what?  I never need to wash my pants/skirts unless they have been stained in some fashion.  If you have just dirtied one of my garments then you owe me laundry money, you rude fuck!  Now, if you keep your legs in their proper zone and display a modicum of social etiquette then maybe I’ll engage in some vigorous activity with you.  See how generous I am?  This is Why I Am Better Than You.

Different people are different.  I know that’s hard for you to understand because you are you and you want everyone else on the planet to be exactly like you but I am me and I don’t want to be like you because in my opinion you suck and I rock.  I know you think you rock and I suck but you are wrong and I am right.  No, I kid, I kid… we’re both wrong.

 Aside from people who deliberately do harm, like killers and rapists and high school gym teachers, we’re all just living our lives trying to make it to tomorrow.  No one’s trying to fuck you over, they’re just trying to do what works for them.  So when your friend who is chronically late shows up late, don’t rant at him for two hours for being late, that’ll just make you even later to whatever event you’re supposed to go to.  Instead of being pissed at Latey McCan’tTellTime, why not always tell him to show up to places a half hour before you plan on showing up?  That way you both win.  Some people are punctual and you can tell them to show up at 5:30 and they show up at 5:25 but some people are just shit at time management and they aren’t doing it to be mean, they just really suck in that particular way and you getting mad at them only stresses you both out.  Don’t expect Latey to live up to your standards of punctuality, just take him on his own merits.  If you’re friends with him then he probably brings something to the table that you enjoy so keep him as a friend and stop stressing over it.  Yeah, his unwillingness to wear a watch is annoying but you have better things to do than trying to change him.  So don’t even try.  Just change your own attitude instead.

 That’s just one example of behaviour that creates conflict but I’m sure you can think of other situations that could be resolved with the simple ingestion of a chill pill.  It’s important to remember that everyone needs to be taken on their own merits and judged according to their own standards.  Person A can do thing 1 and person B can do thing 2 so don’t assign task 1 to person B. 

 I’m mostly talking about personal relationships here.  When it comes to business, you actually should expect Frazzled McLatesalot to come to work on time and if he can’t manage it then dude needs to get fired.  And while we should be accepting of various people’s abilities and lack thereof, there remain a few universal standards to live by, like everyone should be expected to adhere to a certain level of personal hygiene and maybe don’t hang with that dude with major B.O. who refuses to wear deodorant because he thinks his natural musk makes him more virile. 

 My overall point is just that you can’t really expect other people to do things the way you like them to get done.  They are probably looking at you thinking you’re not doing it right either and neither one of you is more right or wrong than the other.  At the end of the day the only thing any of us can really be sure of is that I Am Better Than You.