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I hear so many conflicting rumours about new shows that I don’t know what to believe.  Virtuality and Caprica are both pilots for sci-fi shows and I’ve heard they are/are not being picked up so often I just don’t know.  But I sure hope they both get greenlit because they’re both pretty good.  And they both deal with virtual reality.

Caprica is a prequel of Battlestar Gallactica but all it has in common with BSG is the Adama name and the cylons.  It’s set on a planet instead of in space and it’s about the beginnings of cylon autonomy.  The cool thing is that even if I’d never seen BSG I would have liked it.  It has a complete story all its own.  But it also makes a compelling origin story that is enriched by having a good groundwork in BSG lore.  It can’t help having a few cheesy elements because it is restricted by preexisting cylong modelling but I think the centurion over the topness is actually used effectively.  There’s a cool retro futuristic feel to everything that works for me.  I also liked the characters and actally cared about where they might end up.  So I’m gonna give this thing 4 niqueheads. 

I think my score for Virtuality is also 4 niqueheads but if I were to choose one series over the other I’d choose Virtuality.  It’s got some cool space scenes, cool ship scenes and kind of dorky virtual reality scenes that are the whole point and premise of the show.  Now don’t misunderstand, I don’t necessarily use the word “dorky” in a negative way.  Again, that’s part of the point.  And I’m on board.

Just as Caprica relies on the “rise of the machines” cliche, Virtuality uses a similar sci-fi staple, that of virtual reality: what’s real and what isn’t?  But just because a concept has been done doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done again.

I’m pretty picky about characterization and in the first half of Virtuality, there were a couple of characters I was iffy about but by the end I had gotten over my qualms and fully supported where they had taken each character, even though, again, there were a few cliches in place.  There are also a few things to be nitpicked but I was able to rationalize them without effort so as far as I’m concerned the writing held up.

Is it a sign of my desperation for more sci-fi that I’m so forgiving of all the cliches and nitpicks?  Or are these shows actually worthwhile?  Honestly I think it’s a bit of both.  But in a world where the Sarah Connor Chronicles just got cancelled, please TV gods, let these shows live on.

 

[rating:40]

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So, so, so disappointing.  What the hell happened with Christian Bale?  He used to be so awesome but then he started talking in a gravelly voice to be Batman and now he won’t let it go.  I know he’s a good actor because I’ve seen his other work, but he makes a shitty John Connor.  Thomas Dekker pwns him.  I mean for serious.  All this movie does is make you long for the TV show.  Seriously, the Sarah Connor Chrominomicles is SO much better than this pointless movie.  It’s really disappointing that the series got cancelled because even though it meandered a lot and did some things I didn’t agree with, it had a kick ass finale that set up what looked to be an amazing third season.  That we will never get that third season but instead get the schlock that was this movie… *sigh*  What a world, what a world. 

Terminator: Salvation is very entertaining.  Post-apocalyptic futures are always cool and the action sequences, special effects and robots on display here are wicked awesome.  There were a few sequences that practically had my jaw fall to the floor but apart from that it’s all shit. 

Why the fuck is Bryce Dallas Howard in this movie?  She’s not a huge star but she’s a big enough name that she deserves better than to be the most useless Kate who ever did Kate.  Remember the third Terminator movie?  Probably not, because it wasn’t very good.  But Claire Danes had a shitload more to do as Kate than BDH does.  She is beyond pointless in this movie.  I have no idea why she is in it.  I guess just for continuity???  Everytime she was on screen I just sat there confused.  Why does she look like a supermodel while everyone else is grungy?  I mean it’s a post-apocalyptic future!  Where did she find the lipstick and blow dryer!?  What the fucking fuck?!?!?!

There is one other female character in this movie and she was ok.  I liked her actually but man, the dudes who wrote this script did so with their thumbs up their asses because while she started out cool she very, very quickly became retarded.  God, whatever, it’s not even worth talking about.  The only other characters in this movie are interchangeable.  There’s John Connor, Marcus Wright and Kyle Reese.  It’s cool to see a teenaged Kyle and Marcus was also pretty decent but my issue is that these three dudes are ALL THE SAME!  It actually makes sense for Kyle and John to be similar because they are father and son but why is Marcus John 2.0?  Marcus is the new terminator.  I don’t consider that to be a spoiler because you see it in the trailer so there it is.  He’s the new Arnold but all like sensitive and shit but all he did was make me long for Summer Glau.  How come they couldn’t make the new terminator different from John Connor?  I mean really?  He was in fact so eerily similar to John that I kept thinking there was going to be a point to it.  I really thought he was going to kill John and take over his identity or something, that’s how identical they were!!!  I really wanted Summer Glau or Shirley Manson to come along and be like, listen up dudes, THIS is how you play a terminator!  Take some fucking notes!

I think the third movie proved that you can’t have a Terminator movie without Sarah Connor.  She is the essence of this universe, not John.  That’s why the show is named after her for god’s sake!  They kind of realize that in this movie, so they show her picture and John is seen listening to the tapes she made for him but once again, if you have seen the series, this movie will just make you weep for its cancellation.  In the show they give you a sense of why John is the savior of mankind.  It’s cryptic but you get the idea that they are leading up to something.  In this movie you just sit there wondering why Christian Bale is using his Batman voice.  Why is John so special?  Oh, it’s ’cause he’s not!  He is not special!  He does nothing but talk to peeps over the radio and supposedly inspire them.  Whatevs dude, pick up crochet if you need a hobby.

The more I think about it the less I like this movie.  As I said, it was fun to watch.  Good action, sweet robots.  But dumb script, dump plot, dumb characters.  You know what’s weird though?  I had a trippy experience seeing this movie because I saw it with someone who liked it.  I usually go to see movies with people who have similar views as I do but I saw this one with a friend of a friend who IS the target audience.  He is the demographic marketing dudes swoon over.  He is a white male aged 18 to whatever and he fucking jizzed all over himself throughout this entire film.  I mean he loved it so much I kind of wanted to switch seats because I was so sick of him clapping every two seconds.  For reals y’all.  It was so surreal.  After it was over he went on and on about how awesome it was and I sort of had an epiphany.  So THAT’S why these movies get made.  THAT’S why there are never any compelling female or non-white characters (which he didn’t even notice until I pointed it out and even then he couldn’t see why it was a problem!!!!!).  THAT’S why 90% of the movie is about shit getting blown up.  THAT’S why the love story is so cheesy and underwritten.  THAT’S why the ending made me roll my eyes from the sheer corniness and non-sensicalness.  Because of dudes like him.  God, life sucks. 

In all sincerity I apologize for being so insulting towards this guy.  He doesn’t know me and he hasn’t earned the abuse those who know me have learned to expect.  He was a nice guy and he has every right to live his life enjoying drek like this.  But his enjoyment of the movie just makes me depressed because it means they’re gonna greenlight the fucking sequel.

I’m still giving this shit 3 niqueheads because the robot design, seriously?  The non-humanoid ones?  Fucking kick-ass.  And even though I complained about them blowing shit up, the action sequences were rad.  At one point they actually try to blow something up and fail and it made my heart sing.  It was one tiny pebble of realism in a sea of retardation.  And in the summer of suck a pebble will get you a niquehead.  [rating:30]

9 comments

Nique’s editor’s comments are in italics.

Well it was entertaining. The various nods to fans and inside jokes were well-done. And I personally have been saying for awhile that a reboot (using time travel or alternate universe) would be a good idea. But this is not what I had in mind.

Ultimately what they came up with wasn’t consistent with established Trek, even allowing them the massively-massive changes that a new timeline entails. The Romulans don’t act very much like the Romulans we used to know.  (Ed. Agreed.  The Romulans presented here had nothing to do with Romulans as we know them.  They might as well have been a brand new race.) The technology isn’t consistent with what we know (e.g. even by the time of TNG warp transport is very delicate; and planet-to-planet is impossible). The Federation time agents from the 28th century don’t intervene for some reason (okay now I’m just being a jerk).

I do like the new Kirk.  As with you, I’ve always found Kirk to be a douche. This guy was more lovable and endearing.  And he was pig-headed in a useful way. And talented.  But his rise to command doesn’t make sense. In the original timeline, Kirk was more ambitious than pig-headed.  He was rightly promoted to captain. But this time Pike just randomly says “Oh I see you’ve just graduated from the academy, know nothing about running a ship, and have illegally gotten on-board?  How about you be my 1st officer?” WTF? It makes no sense.  And it’s unnecessary. The original version made much more sense: Kirk was a bit crazy but ultimately too talented to hold back. New Kirk is basically promoted because Pike has some hero-nepotism bullshit about his dad.

I have and will always love Spock. This new Spock does a very good job of portraying the layers of logic and emotion. And yet I can’t help but feel that his character development was rushed. I mean, he comes to terms with his emotion and humanity in a couple of hours.  In the first incarnation of TOS it took years. Yeah, I know it’s a movie not a TV show.  Even so, it seemed rushed.   And some things strain credibility to the point of breaking.  Spock ejects Kirk onto a fairly dangerous ice-planet rather than just put him in the brig? Why? Kirk and old-Spock end up just a few hundred meters from one another? But that planetoid must be frackin’ huge to have Earth-like gravity. And old-Spock endangers the life of ~10 billion humans on Earth in order to foster a friendship between his young self and Kirk? Why? Why doesn’t he use more of his super-advanced knowledge from-the-future to help? I would have liked Spock (both young and old) to behave more rationally and logically. Rather than just being servants of advancing the plot. (Ed. Yeah, it seriously bugged that oldSpock was willing to fuck everyone over just because he wanted youngSpock and Kirk to make out.  But I guess he had serious faith in their ability to pull it off together.)

The Spock-Uhura thing is a little too “teen drama” for my tastes. It’s inconsistent, again, because Vulcans have very special (with good reason!) rules about emotions and especially mating. I don’t buy that he would give into carnal love so quickly and easily. Spock is supposed to start as fundamentally conflicted: denying his human half and only eventually (after *years* of interacting with Kirk and other humans) coming to realize that humans have redeeming qualities, and that he should respect his human half. But in this movie he’s prideful about his human half and even is making out with human girls? Yeah I know it’s an alternate timeline, but there’s nothing in Spock’s history that would cause him to deviate from what we saw before.  Moreover, it kills some of the most interesting things about his character.  (Ed. Also not really believable that he would make out with her in public in the transporter room.  Though he had just lost his mother and his father just admitted to loving his mother so I guess he was feeling particularly emotional and self-indulgent.)

Ultimately, the movie failed in delivering what Trek is “supposed” to be about. Trek is about moral dilemmas, the struggles of the human condition, and the ultimate triumph of human ingenuity and morality.  Humans rock ass.  But instead of Roddenberry’s post-money utopia, we have Nokia product placement. Instead of a moral dilemma, we have space cowboys.  (Ed. I fully agree with this, but I also admit that Rodenberry’s utopic vision of the future is a bit of a cheese platter.  I’ve never been fully on board with it.  One of the reasons DS9 was so good from a dramatic perspective is that it sometimes messed with the Rodenberry rules.  In fact, I’ve long believed that they should do a series based on Section 31.)

Still, it was entertaining on many levels. Many of the nods to fans were too cute for me not to laugh and smile. But I know that if “Enterprise” (the show) had never existed, and I’d seen this movie, I would have puked in disgust. Instead, my standards have been so lowered that a slick action-flick with cute lines is now considered “pretty good.”

(Ed. Good points, well made.  In the end, this is a good movie but not really a good Star Trek movie.)

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